Monday, November 20, 2006

many of the times, things just dont happen like how i want it to be. i want to be the salt and light everywhere i go but it always ended up the other way round esp at home.

from young im quite a spoilt child. everybody at home will give in to me. arguement with my brother always ended up with me winning. my ah ma dote on my brother more and my father dote on me more. i dont know why but it just seem this way. my father seldom scold me and when he do, i will answer back and sometime not talk to him until he talk to me. i feel guilty everytime after that and many times i want to apologise but i hold back because i dont have the courage but still he dont hold any grudges against me and continue to love me. i dont share a verygood relationship with my ah ma. she dote on me too but not as much as she dote on my brother.we do share happy times together quite often though. i know the time they scolded me is because i did something wrong and they have my interest at heart but im just too proud to admit my mistake. things like this go on until i found the true meaning to life. i started to put myself in their shoe and think about their worries. i begin to really love them from the bottom of my heart. thinking back, i think im the one being selfish and demanding. although sometime i still react the same way, it is definitely less often and our ties have become closer.

after afew months of peaceful relationship, i argued with my ah ma tonight again over some trivial matter. i think if i were to keep my mouth stup just now nothing would have happen and she will stop when she is tired of nagging but i lose my cool and talk back. it ended with us not happy with each other. i regretted what i did now that im thinking back but its too late. i know that we will be ok in less than three days from now and we will not be angry for long but i dont want things to be this way. i want them to feel that im a changed person and no longer the little girl i used to be. i want my actions to be a living testimony to people around and not saying a thing and doing another.

i thank God for giving me a great family. they are all very good people but just that i choose to think badly of them. i love them but just that i didnt know how to express myself. i want to stop all these nonsense and be more tolerant and loving. i know the love i have for them is definitely lesser to the love they have for me.

.:sherlyn:. @ 11:17 PM